Top ten things my dog would say if he spoke English:
- On Thunder: Omg I’m gonna die! Gotta find Mummy so we can die together.
- On cell phone rings: Goddammit, I’m outa here… nasty stinkin’ singing bugs or whatever they are. Can’t they leave me the hell alone?
- Mum, I’m trying to say this in the nicest way I can: Take me the FUCK… OUT… NOW!
- I don’t wanna go on the trail AGAIN! I wanna go visit Sharky and Lilly, and if you unleash me, that’s where I’m going — to their houses to do my pooping and peeing.
- Please don’t go….. Puuuuullllleeeeaaaassssseeeeeee don’t go! …Oh alright, I’ll catch some zz’s.
- Heya, Mummy, welcome back; yawn, thwack thwack thwack, lick. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ll drift back to sleep.
- On food: More please. More more more, you stingy sons-of-bitches!
- On sleeping: Let me under the covers! …Let me out from these stifling covers, pant pant pant! …Let me back under the covers, it’s cold! …Pant pant pant. Shit, I’m going to go and sleep with Dad.
- Lick. Having another hot flash, eh, Mum?
- I absolutely love you, adore you, worship you, and will follow you wherever you are in the house. Outside, all bets are off, Sweetheart.
Who doesn’t love a list? So write one! Top five slices of pizza in your town, ten reasons disco will never die, the three secrets to happiness — go silly or go deep, just go list-y.
The Satisfaction of a List