Since I’m not a politician, I make no claims about the subsequent costs, and I deny responsibility for unintended results of any part of this manifesto.
My town is a hidden secret to some in Massachusetts. It’s a tiny town of 5000 that you could drive right by if you weren’t paying attention. Developers hate it with a passion. Because it has such strict building regulations, it’s next to impossible to build here without years of red tape and town votes. Growth is strictly kept in check. Trees, brooks, ponds, turtles, and beaver along with a host of other beautiful creations of Mother Nature share this town with us. People who live here live here BECAUSE of these things, so most of us share a love of nature and a love of the history that created this wondrous place.
Snow plows do a good job of keeping the main streets cleared; however, they do a shitty job of keeping the side streets cleared, meaning my street. If I were mayor (of which we have none, by the way. The town is ruled by an elected board of selectmen.) I’d order the plows to cover all of the streets. Any plow driver who plows in or knocks out a mailbox gets beheaded (or at least a slap in the head, whichever is easiest).
All dog licenses must be appended with a sworn and notarized affadavit that no dog shall poop right smack in the middle of the freakin’ path! Any dog in violation will be given a ticket and will not be allowed onto the paths until he/she has gone through clicker training poop school. We will hire a poop cop to enforce this.
The town will provide, at a discount, weekly housekeeping services to all houses that sign up for it. Also junk removal services (can you tell I just spent three days emptying my mother-in-laws house?).
One of the things that make my town famous is the gorgeous bicycle and running routes. The steep hills are not for the faint of heart, though. Apple orchards, fields of corn, and quaint homes and structures that go back to the 1700’s line the bicycle routes. But with the increased traffic, we need to widen the streets to create safer bicycle/jogging paths.
Oh, and let’s get rid of that Dunkin’ Donuts on the corner. Who needs to have a Dunkin’ Donuts a mile away from where they live? I remember the days when I’d send Hubby out for a dozen sugar-raised donuts and eat them till I was sick. Now Dunkin’ Donuts no longer makes sugar-raised donuts, so what’s the point of their existence, I say? Off with them!
I love our community garden. But, with all of that organic plant-growing knowledge, can’t we have a marijuana-growing collective as well? “YES YES YES WE CAN!” I cheer, rallying up the probably only person in this town that gives a shit — me.
Speaking of pot, I will leave you with this interesting story. The year before last, before my mother had her strokes, she was already demented. She loved to play bridge in her heyday but stopped playing, even on the computer, when her bitter and OCD mind wouldn’t settle enough. We went to the Colorado pot dispensary and bought pot candies. I snuck in a sliver of pot candy (like a 1/2 centimeter) into her tea. She sat up with us until the early hours of the morning playing bridge. The next night I did the same, and again she stayed up late playing with us laughing as though nothing were unusual about it. When I stopped doing it, she slipped back into her own, speechless world and had no interest in bridge, going to bed early as she usually did. That’s the last time I saw a tiny glimpse of my real mother.
What do you love most about the city / town / place that you live in? What do you like the least about it? If you were mayor, what would be the most important problem you’d tackle? How would you tackle it?
We Built This City