What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
My journey is one of being a flawed human. I pop pills for depression, anxiety, I smoke pot, and I question life every single day. If I were a teenager, I would seem like a lazy bum who is out to destroy any chance of a career or successful livelihood. But I’m not, I’m a 59 year old retiree. I’ve had a successful career and am fundamentally a responsible person.
Up until now I’ve had no time to consistently search for a meaning to my life. Now I have time. Maybe eventually I can find myself without the pills and the pot, who knows. However, I have tried doing the no-med thing over and over in the past 2 1/2 years and have always slipped back into pain, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. Pain and anxiety leads to painkillers which leads to detox which is a seriously deadly and horrible experience.
Now, I take the antidepressants and antianxiety pills, and smoke the pot instead of popping painkillers. I bundle up and take my dog outside with my camera and marvel at the beautiful world, and dwell inside a life of peace doing my yoga and meditation, and reading dharma and photography books.
Where this process will lead is completely unknown and experimental. Perhaps it will lead to lung cancer, or maybe a fried brain which will get me committed to a facility which houses burnt-out potheads. Or maybe it will lead to a life of peace and art and give me a quality of life I haven’t had in many years, so I can finally say “Yes, now I get it. I’ve finally been able to live the life I was supposed to live. I’m ready to die.”
This journey is mine, I no longer am accountable to anyone for how I attack my quest to find a purpose in life. I do it in my own way, not lightly. This is after years of trial and error, mostly trying to do things other people’s way.
I don’t want people who read my blog to do what I do. I want them to know that when you remove the expectations of the world including the saintly people around you, your possibilities open up to find happiness in your life in your own unique way. You no longer pass immediate judgment and reject potential paths. Your life is not contained within some box that society created around you. Even flawed humans have a right to finding their way in this world. (P.S. Being flawed does not mean being gay, Jesus fuckin’ Christ to the ultra-self-righteous person who reposted this. Some Christians are ok, but I really despise Christians who think they speak on God’s behalf in judgment of other people. Ok, I just ended this post on a rant, which is not good, but I dislike my posts being interpreted as part of some sort of anti-gay crusade.)